xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize