The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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