Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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