He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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