The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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