you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
