i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
