I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
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