Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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