I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
