Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize