I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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