time to smoke my breakfast
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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