Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
