im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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