Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
