weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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