if you like me you must not know who I am
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
