dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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