Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
