I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
