whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
