John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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