I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
