I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize