Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
