My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
