Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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