i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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