Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
