New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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