dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
