some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
