fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
