Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Your cock deserves a montage
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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