im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
home. puking in laundry basket.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Randomize
