just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
