I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
