I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
