he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
