I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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