Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
