I love black thongs
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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