I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
