The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think my nap took me to another dimension
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
