Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize