im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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