he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
