He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
FUCK WHALES
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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