I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
