I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
