and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
