life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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