i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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