OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
