I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
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