instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
