I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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