Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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