I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
