wakey wakey hands off snakey
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your cock deserves a montage
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
