dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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