i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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