Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
