he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
